June 10th

Today is a day I once longed for; however, for the past five months I have dreaded June 10th.  You see, today is baby Hunter's due date. After his death, the sting lessened as the weeks went by, but over the past few weeks, the sting, the pain, the heartache, and the "why" questions have all resurfaced. There are days I get bogged down in the "why". Thankfully though, I don't set up camp there. As much as this day brings me pain, it also brings me hope. Hebrews 13:14 says "For this world is not our home; we are looking forward to a city in heaven, which is yet to come". The days that are dark and painful and full of satan's lies, I rest in God's promise that this is not all there is. I do not deserve a heavenly home, but He saved us, not because we deserve it, but because of His mercy. I know that even though I never got to know his personality, or hear his sweet little baby laugh, or watch him take his first steps or swing at a baseball, I will see him one day. "For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down - when we die and leave these bodies - we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands" 2 Corinthians 5:1. While he has an earthly body buried in a grave, albeit, a teeny, tiny one, he is not there. His body will forever be perfect. He will never know the sorrows of this world, and in that, I find complete peace.

While my heart does still ache oh so much to be separated from my baby boy, my heart aches even more to know there are people who will never know this peace I have. The peace that comes from Christ. Heaven is going to be amazing, and I have a new longing to see it one day. Heaven is oh so real, which means hell is oh so real too. It is a place of eternal separation from Christ. A place of eternal torture. A place full of evil and hate. 2 Peter 3:9-10 says "...He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent. But the day of the Lord will come as unexpectedly as thief..." As unexpected as it was for us to lose our son so quickly, it will be the same with Christ's return. Time is running out. The choice is up to you. Will you choose life or will you choose death?

Baby Hunter

Today was a very tough day. Last night baby #3's umbilical cord prolapsed. We went emergently to the hospital, and learned my water had broken earlier in the week. At the time we arrived last night, his heart rate was still around 155, meaning he was still alive and doing ok, but we learned there was no chance our precious son would be able to survive. Around 5:30 this morning, Dr. Smith came in to see me. He was able to tell the baby's feet had descended, and his heart rate had decreased to 60-70. Dr. Emig began taking call at 7:00 a.m. It was not by chance, or luck, but by God's design she was on call. She was absolutely amazing to walk this journey with me. She cried with me, and empathized with us. Around 11:30, she did another ultrasound, which confirmed our sweet baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. At that point she decided it was time to deliver him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Going through labor knowing I was not getting a cute, chubby, little bundle of snuggly love at the end. I was scared because I didn't know what he would look like, I was scared because I was afraid I couldn't do it. I wanted to give up many times. I didn't give up, and our angel baby was born at 12:17 p.m. He was perfectly formed. His precious tiny 10 fingers and 10 toes. His ears were perfect. It is amazing to me how perfectly formed he was, oh so tiny, but oh so human. It aches my heart he was legally still able to be aborted. I want people to know how human he was. He was created in God's image. While we do not know why, or understand, we know God has a plan. Baby Hunter had a purpose in this life, and we will work to ensure God's Kingdom is glorified through his birth and death. We were perfectly content with our two precious children. We were not planning on adding any more children to our family. We do not understand why. We were not planning on adding anymore children to our family, yet God gave us one, and then he was taken away from us. In His Word, God clearly tells us that all of our days were written in His book before even one of them came to be. Hunter completed his life's purpose in 18 short weeks, all while living in utero. As his mom, I will work to ensure God's Kingdom is glorified through his life and death. 

Joy Always -

#facebookfail

So, I hear this rumor that facebook had the ultimate fail. Some how, their system had a glitch, so that every "private" message, is now posted on your wall, for all the world to see. Now, this was only messages from the year 2010 or before, and let's be real, only psycho-stalkers would ever go back that far to search your page, but they're out there.

There is a fix, for YOUR page, but all of your friends will have to fix their own page. I bet at this very moment you are thinking, "oh my! what in the world have I posted that I wouldn't want someone to see. What have I said (written) that is now public? who is going to find out about it? who is going to know how I really feel about them?  had a crush on them? wanted to curse the ground they walk on?"....aren't you, you are aren't you??

Well, don't worry, I had those same thoughts. I went through and hid them, so you'll never know, BUT in doing so, I found this one message, from my then friend, now - husband! I can't wait to show it to him when he gets home from work. I wonder if he's seen my "wild side" yet or not :)   (p.s. sorry Fa, I just realized you totally got called out if you did indeed, skip out early on choir practice to meet me)

 

Soooo, now I'll tell you how to fix it:

• First, go to your profile.
• Then, click on the year on the right hand side of the page. 
• Next, you will see a box pop up with all of your "events".
• Click the "pencil" in the top right hand corner of that box (It will say "edit or remove").
• Then click "hide from timeline"
• TA-DA! DONE!

While writing that step by step instruction set, I had a flashback to English class from some early childhood days! first, next, then, lastly.......I thought I'd never use that information in my nursing career!

When things don't go as planned

This post comes with much reservation, but it has come to my heart several times over the past week, so I feel that someone needs to hear it. So, whoever you are, wherever you are, little momma, this ones for you!

Nothing about Ensley's delivery process was normal, anticipated, or expected. As an expectant mom, you have an idealized view of what to expect during the labor process, and you anticipate everything going smoothly, delivering a healthy baby, and going home in a few days.

Things didn't go quite that way for us. After about an hour at the hospital, Ensley's heart rate began going up and staying up. They put me on oxygen, but she did not improve. Dr. Allen came in and checked everything out and said she needed to be delivered immediately via c-section. There was no discussion about it, it was what had to be done. She was delivered less than 10 minutes after our conversation. It was several hours before I got to see her again. When they brought her to me, they told me I had 5 minutes with her, and she had to go back to the nursery. It was then another several hours before I got to see her again, and that time it was not bundled in my arms, it was on an warmer, with wires and tubes and oxygen on her in NICU. This is where she would stay for 10 more days, all the while growing bigger and stronger. At 10 days old, on her due date, we were finally able to bring our healthy little angel home.

Many times since then I have cried because things did not go as planned. I do not know what it feels like to "give birth". I do not know what it's like to have them place your baby on your chest and see them for the first time. I barely remember hearing her cry. I did not get to see Hunter's face when he saw her for the first time, or held her for the first time, or announced her arrival and name to everyone. When I held her for the first time, it was in a room surrounded with people, as I spent my precious "five minutes" with her. Everyone was watching my every move with her, and Hunter and I did not get to spend any time with her alone. I was terrified, and I knew in my gut, something was wrong with her. My first minutes with her were spent as a celebrity surrounded by the paparazzi, not as a new mom cherishing her first look at her newborn.

I am a nurse. I have given thousands of antibiotics to patients, started hundreds of IVs, taken a bazillion sets of vital signs, but for my own child I could do nothing. I didn't even know what the normal vital signs were for a neonate, I didn't have a clue how to start an IV on a tiny human, and I certainly didn't know how to work the special neonatal IV pumps to give the much needed antibiotics. I was helpless.

In my "ideal world" I planned to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best, so of course I wanted the best for my child. Well of course, it didn't happen that way either. I felt like a failure. I was angry. It was torture, and I was a horrible mother for feeling this way. Every time someone asked me if I was breastfeeding, I was ashamed to answer no. I thank God that my pediatrician did not reinforce these feelings in me. He was so kind. He told me I did my best. He told me she would be O-K!!

I didn't even get any milk until day 5, it was 3 whopping milliliters...WOW. So, to feed Ensley it was a 3 step process. I breastfed her (20 minutes), then supplemented her with a bottle (10 minutes), and then pumped to stimulate my milk production (30 minutes). She ate every 2 1/2 - 3 hours, and obviously the feeding process took about an hour, which doesn't count getting her diaper changed and settled while I was pumping etc. I felt like a human beverage dispenser. I then cut out the breastfeeding portion and solely pumped. I would then give her the pumped milk at the next feeding and then supplement her. This at least cut out one portion, but it was still a very time consuming process. I was beginning to be resentful. She was having such tummy troubles, and I was having to watch everything I consumed. I felt like I had to be more cautious about what I ate AFTER she was born than I did while I was pregnant. My milk production was so low and it felt useless to continue pumping for 20 ccs every time. I had done all the things the doctor and lactation consultant suggested. Drink plenty of water, take fenugreek, pump etc. I finally made the decision to forego the breast milk and solely feed her formula. Oh my goodness! I was free! I was a free woman! I could drink sweet tea, LOTS of sweet tea, I could eat Mexican, I could take BC powder again when I had a headache. That feeling was amazing, but it came with a price. I felt guilty. I felt guilty for feeling good about it. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt like I gave up. I continually asked myself, could I have done more, could there have been something else I could have taken, or done to make more milk? Did I really try everything I could? I don't know. I guess I'll never know. What I do know is I was finally able to ENJOY my baby. I got to love on her, and I didn't resent it when I heard her crying anymore because she was hungry. It was best for us, and ultimately helped me be a better mother to Ensley.

In these moments, when I am in tears because things did not go my way, Hunter reminds me, she is ALIVE. If things had gone my way, our angel wouldn't have survived. She is now a healthy, formula fed baby who is ALIVE. Things did not go as I planned, but they went as HE planned. God does not make mistakes. He knew when Ensley would be born and how she would be born. We had to fully rely on Him, and we saw His handy work every single day.

So, to Larissa, my L&D nurse who was so conscientious and literally washed my feet - To Dr. Allen, who did not hesitate to perform a C-section - To the well baby nurses who followed their gut instinct that something was wrong with my baby -  To Dr. Godoy, who cared for my daughter as if she was his own, - To the NICU nurses who loved on and cared for my baby when I couldn't - and most importantly, to all of you who prayed for us - I thank you. Things didn't go quite as we planned, but in the end, we got to bring our happy, healthy baby girl home.

a little boo boo

And NO the "boo boo" is not a pun on Halloween! Hunter decided a while back that I needed a pistol, so he bought me one. He however has been the only one to shoot it or carry it, until today. We went out this afternoon so I could target practice. I kept hitting the target at the top right, so I decided if I ever actually have to defend myself, I'll have to aim for the liver if I want to hit the heart! :) I was having trouble steadying it, so I decided to move my thumb around towards the back to give me some extra coverage. My instructor (that would be Hunter) did not notice my hand placement, and never told me NOT to put my hand towards the back of the gun. You see, apparently once you pull the trigger, the action pops backwards to eject the shell. Well, when your thumb is in the way, this is what you get:

Keep in mind, this is post clean-up. We were out by the lake and all I had to clean it with was a napkin. It was bleeding pretty bad and had pretty much soaked the napkin by the time we got home! I came in and cleaned it and because they don't make bandaids that fit the thumb perfectly, this is what you have after bandaging:

Which, I really hate because it makes it look worse than it really is! It also hurts really bad when I have to wash my hands! I was really stressing because I HAD to wash my hair tonight and I knew that was going to be pretty painful if all I had was the gauze. Never fear, Mr. Fix It will make SURE no water will get into my bandage:

and, he was good, no water got it and the hair got washed! After the shower he glued it back together....and YES I do mean krazy glue! He swears by gluing stuff together, and I'm thinking this wound was the perfect type to glue back together. I may regret this later, but for now, it does seem like the best solution!

the end of the world

In case you live under a rock, a crazy man predicted that the world would end this past Saturday (May 21, 2011). He based it on his "Biblical" predictions....well he obviously missed the verses about no one knowing when the Lord will return, not the angels, not even the Son, only the Father also, the one that says He will come like a thief in the night....missed those buddy. Anyway, while some people used the prediction as comic relief, the thought in and of itself, should not be taken lightly.

We really DON'T know when the Lord will return. It truly could be TOMORROW, or next week, or next year. So we need to be prepared for whenever this may be. Even if the Lord does not return tomorrow, our "end" could be at any time. People die every single day. Every day, someone has their "judgment day", so while we criticize Mr. End of the World Predictor, Saturday May 21st was someone's judgment day, the end of their life. We do not know the day or the hour that will be OUR last.

Make every moment count. Live your life with eternity in mind.

a week in review

This past week has been draining - emotionally and physically, but mostly emotionally.....very, very draining. It is a week I will never forget. We all knew Wednesday, April 27th was going to be a day of severe weather, James Spann had been telling us that since Sunday. If James says it's going to happen, it WILL happen....and so it began....at 4:30 A.M. that is.

Hunter was on his way to work, and heard about the tornado heading towards Northport. He called and woke me up. (I semi-appreciated it at the time). I called my friend Kendall (who is terrified of storms) and woke her up. This apparently started a phone tree that I did not find out about until later that day. 4:40: My grandmother called to make sure I was awake and sheltered. 4:50: My co-worker Regina called to ensure my safety. 5:00 my neighbor (also Hunter's aunt) called to make sure I was safe. I was feeling very loved that morning. Brady and I took shelter in my bedroom closet, my laptop and flashlight followed us. The power went out around 5:45, so I turned to the iPhone for help. What did we do before smart phones????? I laid in the closet with my blanket and pillow pondering the day ahead. I knew there was a LOT on the schedule that day and I was anxious about what was in store for us. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay home, where I was "safe". 6:45 a.m. the "big things" for the day were canceled.... PRAISE JESUS! 7:00 power returns.....YAY Alabama Power! I was already hearing of damage reports around campus and was wondering why in the world UA had not canceled classes yet, both school systems had already canceled their days.

Like a good girl, I got up and went on in to work. No one was paying attention to their job that day, we were all focused on the weather. I'm pretty certain UA paid me to check weather.com all day. Around 2:00 I decided I was done for the day, and I headed home. Truth of it all was I didn't want my Brady to be home alone during a storm.

3:00 ish Hunter arrives home from work and we begin piddling around the house. He decides he needs to grill something. So he heads to the grocery store around 3:45. I'm begging him not to since I know there is bad weather ahead, and he assures me he will be fine. He arrives back with groceries, and then realizes the grill has no gas. So off he goes to buy a new tank. I'm REALLY begging him not to go now, and he again assures me "all is well" and he has "plenty of time". No sooner has he left than my buddy James informs us there is a tornado between Hwy 171 and Hwy 43....for those of you who know where I live, that's REALLY close! I called him and told him to get home STAT.

He obliged. Once home he asked if I wanted to go up to his dad's or granddad's because they both have basements. I told him no, we could just stay here so Brady wouldn't be alone, and we could go to the closet if it got bad. We were glued to the TV watching the details as they unfolded. The moment the video of the tornado popped up on the TV and they said it was on Joe Mallisham Parkway near the toll bridge (which is about 10 miles from us) we both looked at each other and he said "get Brady, we're going". I did not question him, I grabbed Brady, my purse, and my rain coat. While grabbing my purse he asked why I would need that....he OBVIOUSLY does not know what all the purse aka "suitcase" holds!

We arrived to the basement safe and sound, and we watched the events unfold in front of us in utter disbelief. I can still see the picture in my head.

It was later that night and the days that followed that will haunt me for years to come. The sounds of sirens, lots of sirens, constant sirens. I didn't realize how terrifying those sounds were to me, until I heard them again yesterday. There had been a wreck and there were policemen, ambulances and firetrucks coming from all directions around me yesterday, and it aroused a fear in me that I didn't even know existed.

The dazed looks of people as they walked down the street that night, many carrying their dogs, many rolling suitcases, which I know held the only belongings they had left.

Cars, everywhere, on top of each other, upside down, all with broken windows, dents, dirt, there was lots of dirt that night.

Rubble, everywhere. Spotlights on houses and buildings as rescue crews try to dig people out. Our precious city, gone, destroyed, all within minutes.

I'm not a momma yet, but that night I experienced a mere ounce of what I imagine it will feel like when you think your child is in danger. I wanted to make sure my 7 students were ok. I texted them, and heard back from 5 very quickly. The cell phone service was very sporadic that night, and became frustrating at times. Where were my other two students? I knew they both lived very close to campus. Why had I not heard from them? I got a text from another student to inform me that one of the missing two was ok, she was just trapped in the mall....so now I was down to one, where was she? I wanted to find her, and I wanted to get to her. I finally got cell service back and had numerous text messages and voice mails pop up at once. One was from her. She was alive....thank God! The terror in her voice was evident as she began with "Miss Fowler, I'm ok, but my house is gone, my car is gone....." Now I REALLY wanted to get to her. She was scared, alone, and homeless. My calls wouldn't go through, my texts wouldn't go through. I had no idea where she was. Finally Hunter remembered he could use his On-Star to make a call, and that's what we did.....I think he paid about $45 for 30 minutes of air time, but it was totally worth it to me! All of my "chick-a-dees" as I call them, were accounted for.

The days that followed were just as harrowing. Feeding those without food, providing medical care for those who didn't want to leave their homes for fear of looters, or fear they would not be allowed back in if they leave. Helping my cousin move to a new classroom (her school was destroyed).

It has been AMAZING to see the people of God at work. The city of Tuscaloosa has been amazing. It's brother helping brother. Race, Religion, Social class hasn't mattered....it's been life as it should be, the way God intended, us all working in harmony. I'm proud to be from this city, and I'm proud of how our local officials have stepped up to the plate and exhibited grace under pressure.

We will rebuild. We are Tuscaloosa.

Roll Tide Roll!
God Bless the USA.