Nothing about Ensley's delivery process was normal, anticipated, or expected. As an expectant mom, you have an idealized view of what to expect during the labor process, and you anticipate everything going smoothly, delivering a healthy baby, and going home in a few days.
Things didn't go quite that way for us. After about an hour at the hospital, Ensley's heart rate began going up and staying up. They put me on oxygen, but she did not improve. Dr. Allen came in and checked everything out and said she needed to be delivered immediately via c-section. There was no discussion about it, it was what had to be done. She was delivered less than 10 minutes after our conversation. It was several hours before I got to see her again. When they brought her to me, they told me I had 5 minutes with her, and she had to go back to the nursery. It was then another several hours before I got to see her again, and that time it was not bundled in my arms, it was on an warmer, with wires and tubes and oxygen on her in NICU. This is where she would stay for 10 more days, all the while growing bigger and stronger. At 10 days old, on her due date, we were finally able to bring our healthy little angel home.
Many times since then I have cried because things did not go as planned. I do not know what it feels like to "give birth". I do not know what it's like to have them place your baby on your chest and see them for the first time. I barely remember hearing her cry. I did not get to see Hunter's face when he saw her for the first time, or held her for the first time, or announced her arrival and name to everyone. When I held her for the first time, it was in a room surrounded with people, as I spent my precious "five minutes" with her. Everyone was watching my every move with her, and Hunter and I did not get to spend any time with her alone. I was terrified, and I knew in my gut, something was wrong with her. My first minutes with her were spent as a celebrity surrounded by the paparazzi, not as a new mom cherishing her first look at her newborn.
I am a nurse. I have given thousands of antibiotics to patients, started hundreds of IVs, taken a bazillion sets of vital signs, but for my own child I could do nothing. I didn't even know what the normal vital signs were for a neonate, I didn't have a clue how to start an IV on a tiny human, and I certainly didn't know how to work the special neonatal IV pumps to give the much needed antibiotics. I was helpless.
In my "ideal world" I planned to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best, so of course I wanted the best for my child. Well of course, it didn't happen that way either. I felt like a failure. I was angry. It was torture, and I was a horrible mother for feeling this way. Every time someone asked me if I was breastfeeding, I was ashamed to answer no. I thank God that my pediatrician did not reinforce these feelings in me. He was so kind. He told me I did my best. He told me she would be O-K!!
I didn't even get any milk until day 5, it was 3 whopping milliliters...WOW. So, to feed Ensley it was a 3 step process. I breastfed her (20 minutes), then supplemented her with a bottle (10 minutes), and then pumped to stimulate my milk production (30 minutes). She ate every 2 1/2 - 3 hours, and obviously the feeding process took about an hour, which doesn't count getting her diaper changed and settled while I was pumping etc. I felt like a human beverage dispenser. I then cut out the breastfeeding portion and solely pumped. I would then give her the pumped milk at the next feeding and then supplement her. This at least cut out one portion, but it was still a very time consuming process. I was beginning to be resentful. She was having such tummy troubles, and I was having to watch everything I consumed. I felt like I had to be more cautious about what I ate AFTER she was born than I did while I was pregnant. My milk production was so low and it felt useless to continue pumping for 20 ccs every time. I had done all the things the doctor and lactation consultant suggested. Drink plenty of water, take fenugreek, pump etc. I finally made the decision to forego the breast milk and solely feed her formula. Oh my goodness! I was free! I was a free woman! I could drink sweet tea, LOTS of sweet tea, I could eat Mexican, I could take BC powder again when I had a headache. That feeling was amazing, but it came with a price. I felt guilty. I felt guilty for feeling good about it. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt like I gave up. I continually asked myself, could I have done more, could there have been something else I could have taken, or done to make more milk? Did I really try everything I could? I don't know. I guess I'll never know. What I do know is I was finally able to ENJOY my baby. I got to love on her, and I didn't resent it when I heard her crying anymore because she was hungry. It was best for us, and ultimately helped me be a better mother to Ensley.
In these moments, when I am in tears because things did not go my way, Hunter reminds me, she is ALIVE. If things had gone my way, our angel wouldn't have survived. She is now a healthy, formula fed baby who is ALIVE. Things did not go as I planned, but they went as HE planned. God does not make mistakes. He knew when Ensley would be born and how she would be born. We had to fully rely on Him, and we saw His handy work every single day.
So, to Larissa, my L&D nurse who was so conscientious and literally washed my feet - To Dr. Allen, who did not hesitate to perform a C-section - To the well baby nurses who followed their gut instinct that something was wrong with my baby - To Dr. Godoy, who cared for my daughter as if she was his own, - To the NICU nurses who loved on and cared for my baby when I couldn't - and most importantly, to all of you who prayed for us - I thank you. Things didn't go quite as we planned, but in the end, we got to bring our happy, healthy baby girl home.
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