June 10th

Today is a day I once longed for; however, for the past five months I have dreaded June 10th.  You see, today is baby Hunter's due date. After his death, the sting lessened as the weeks went by, but over the past few weeks, the sting, the pain, the heartache, and the "why" questions have all resurfaced. There are days I get bogged down in the "why". Thankfully though, I don't set up camp there. As much as this day brings me pain, it also brings me hope. Hebrews 13:14 says "For this world is not our home; we are looking forward to a city in heaven, which is yet to come". The days that are dark and painful and full of satan's lies, I rest in God's promise that this is not all there is. I do not deserve a heavenly home, but He saved us, not because we deserve it, but because of His mercy. I know that even though I never got to know his personality, or hear his sweet little baby laugh, or watch him take his first steps or swing at a baseball, I will see him one day. "For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down - when we die and leave these bodies - we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands" 2 Corinthians 5:1. While he has an earthly body buried in a grave, albeit, a teeny, tiny one, he is not there. His body will forever be perfect. He will never know the sorrows of this world, and in that, I find complete peace.

While my heart does still ache oh so much to be separated from my baby boy, my heart aches even more to know there are people who will never know this peace I have. The peace that comes from Christ. Heaven is going to be amazing, and I have a new longing to see it one day. Heaven is oh so real, which means hell is oh so real too. It is a place of eternal separation from Christ. A place of eternal torture. A place full of evil and hate. 2 Peter 3:9-10 says "...He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent. But the day of the Lord will come as unexpectedly as thief..." As unexpected as it was for us to lose our son so quickly, it will be the same with Christ's return. Time is running out. The choice is up to you. Will you choose life or will you choose death?

Baby Hunter

Today was a very tough day. Last night baby #3's umbilical cord prolapsed. We went emergently to the hospital, and learned my water had broken earlier in the week. At the time we arrived last night, his heart rate was still around 155, meaning he was still alive and doing ok, but we learned there was no chance our precious son would be able to survive. Around 5:30 this morning, Dr. Smith came in to see me. He was able to tell the baby's feet had descended, and his heart rate had decreased to 60-70. Dr. Emig began taking call at 7:00 a.m. It was not by chance, or luck, but by God's design she was on call. She was absolutely amazing to walk this journey with me. She cried with me, and empathized with us. Around 11:30, she did another ultrasound, which confirmed our sweet baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. At that point she decided it was time to deliver him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Going through labor knowing I was not getting a cute, chubby, little bundle of snuggly love at the end. I was scared because I didn't know what he would look like, I was scared because I was afraid I couldn't do it. I wanted to give up many times. I didn't give up, and our angel baby was born at 12:17 p.m. He was perfectly formed. His precious tiny 10 fingers and 10 toes. His ears were perfect. It is amazing to me how perfectly formed he was, oh so tiny, but oh so human. It aches my heart he was legally still able to be aborted. I want people to know how human he was. He was created in God's image. While we do not know why, or understand, we know God has a plan. Baby Hunter had a purpose in this life, and we will work to ensure God's Kingdom is glorified through his birth and death. We were perfectly content with our two precious children. We were not planning on adding any more children to our family. We do not understand why. We were not planning on adding anymore children to our family, yet God gave us one, and then he was taken away from us. In His Word, God clearly tells us that all of our days were written in His book before even one of them came to be. Hunter completed his life's purpose in 18 short weeks, all while living in utero. As his mom, I will work to ensure God's Kingdom is glorified through his life and death. 

Joy Always -